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Fearful Aggression
- By Mark Goulston
- Published 03/1/2008
- Leadership
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Mark Goulston
Mark Goulston is the best selling author of three books and writes regular columns for Fast Company, the National Association of Corporate Directors, Knight Ridder Tribune, Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC / NBC / CBS / Fox / CNN / BBC News, Oprah, and Today. His latest book is Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. Visit www.markgoulston.com/ for additional information.
View all articles by Mark Goulston
Before I get into the above formula and something you should never do, I want to begin with something that is its polar opposite and something you should always do.
And that’s called a “Power Thank You.” Whereas Anticipatory Rejection and Fearful Aggression are brimming with paranoia, defensiveness and hostility, a Power Thank You is filled to overflowing with humility, graciousness and generosity.
A Power Thank You has 3 parts, which I will demonstrate to the blogging aggregator site, Basil & Spice (http://basilandspice.com), the #1 Syndicated Author & Book Views On a Healthy Life!!! and then to the quarterlife, social networking site, Peoplejam (http://peoplejam.com).
1. Thank person for something they specifically did for you – “Thank you Basil & Spice and Peoplejam for continuing to promote my blogs at or close to your home page, which has resulted in their being picked up weekly or more often at such sites as Reuters, USA Today, Digg!, Propeller, Stumble.”
2. Acknowledge the effort it took for them to do it – “To Basil & Spice and Peoplejam. You both took the time and man hours to reproduce my blog with typos fixed, you precede my blog with all sorts of biographical information, and most importantly have consistently selected my blogs when you have hundreds of to choose from, from many sources.”
3. Tell them what it personally means to you – “I have spent many dollars on marketing and PR over the past twelve years and the return has been spotty causing me to feel very cautious and even foolish. Having this relationship with both of you has helped restore the faith and trust I would like to have in resources such as yours and eased my paranoia, which I have never liked having.”
Now back to what you should learn from Hillary Clinton and something you should (and she should) never do.
Anticipatory rejection (see: http://www.mercextra.com/blogs/vindu/wp-content/photos/Hillary_Clinton_2008.JPG) is a state of mind where you believe that regardless of what you say, people will push back, counterattack, minimize, deny, become defensive, make excuses, blame or use some other tactic to reject whatever comes out of your mouth and also deny responsibility (one can only imagine the exchanges between Hillary and Bill towards the end of his second term).
It is usually based on the experience of years – if not a lifetime –of people pushing back at you and not accepting what you say and then coming to believe that it will always be that way and acting preemptively.
Fearful aggression (see: http://cnycircus.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/hillary-clinton.jpg) is a behavior and something that show dog trainers know well and that we all watched in the movie, “Best in Show.” It occurs when a tightly wound, highly pedigreed dog (or person) is cornered or frightened, and it reacts with aggression. To the outsider the dog appears to be on the attack, but from inside the dog, it is completely fueled by the fear of being attacked.
In a nutshell, when you’re on the defensive (fueled by your anticipatory rejection mindset and fearful aggression reaction) and nobody is attacking you, you are perceived as being both on the offensive and paranoid…and you offend everyone.
And the solution? Maybe an update on Freud's famous dictum: "Where id was, let ego be" (ego as in being in touch with reality) is called for, such as: "Where ego (self-righteousness) was, let graciousness be."
© 2008 Mark Goulston
And that’s called a “Power Thank You.” Whereas Anticipatory Rejection and Fearful Aggression are brimming with paranoia, defensiveness and hostility, a Power Thank You is filled to overflowing with humility, graciousness and generosity.
A Power Thank You has 3 parts, which I will demonstrate to the blogging aggregator site, Basil & Spice (http://basilandspice.com), the #1 Syndicated Author & Book Views On a Healthy Life!!! and then to the quarterlife, social networking site, Peoplejam (http://peoplejam.com).
1. Thank person for something they specifically did for you – “Thank you Basil & Spice and Peoplejam for continuing to promote my blogs at or close to your home page, which has resulted in their being picked up weekly or more often at such sites as Reuters, USA Today, Digg!, Propeller, Stumble.”
2. Acknowledge the effort it took for them to do it – “To Basil & Spice and Peoplejam. You both took the time and man hours to reproduce my blog with typos fixed, you precede my blog with all sorts of biographical information, and most importantly have consistently selected my blogs when you have hundreds of to choose from, from many sources.”
3. Tell them what it personally means to you – “I have spent many dollars on marketing and PR over the past twelve years and the return has been spotty causing me to feel very cautious and even foolish. Having this relationship with both of you has helped restore the faith and trust I would like to have in resources such as yours and eased my paranoia, which I have never liked having.”
Now back to what you should learn from Hillary Clinton and something you should (and she should) never do.
Anticipatory rejection (see: http://www.mercextra.com/blogs/vindu/wp-content/photos/Hillary_Clinton_2008.JPG) is a state of mind where you believe that regardless of what you say, people will push back, counterattack, minimize, deny, become defensive, make excuses, blame or use some other tactic to reject whatever comes out of your mouth and also deny responsibility (one can only imagine the exchanges between Hillary and Bill towards the end of his second term).
It is usually based on the experience of years – if not a lifetime –of people pushing back at you and not accepting what you say and then coming to believe that it will always be that way and acting preemptively.
Fearful aggression (see: http://cnycircus.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/hillary-clinton.jpg) is a behavior and something that show dog trainers know well and that we all watched in the movie, “Best in Show.” It occurs when a tightly wound, highly pedigreed dog (or person) is cornered or frightened, and it reacts with aggression. To the outsider the dog appears to be on the attack, but from inside the dog, it is completely fueled by the fear of being attacked.
In a nutshell, when you’re on the defensive (fueled by your anticipatory rejection mindset and fearful aggression reaction) and nobody is attacking you, you are perceived as being both on the offensive and paranoid…and you offend everyone.
And the solution? Maybe an update on Freud's famous dictum: "Where id was, let ego be" (ego as in being in touch with reality) is called for, such as: "Where ego (self-righteousness) was, let graciousness be."
© 2008 Mark Goulston